The beauty of intimate relationships

What is the supreme 'satisfaction' that we feel from being intimate with somebody?

In the last three blog posts, I discussed my journey in several paths of reinvention - character, mindfulness and physical fitness - and they were all solely of my own efforts. But the most recent of my reinventions was slightly serendipitious. It knocked on my door when I was in the right space to let it in, and it changed everything about me just as the others.

Over the last year, I've forged some new relationships and reformed old ones, all with one major distinction: I've reached new levels of intimacy than I ever have before. There is an incomparable satisfaction I feel in existing in these relationships that I felt compelled to understand and share here. And these are my reflections.

What is intimacy?

There seem to be several types of intimacy - physical (includes sexual), emotional, mental (alignment of intellect, wit) and so on, but in this article I talk about the umbrella term.

I find a 'scientific' (psychological) perspective very interesting, so allow me to nerd out a little bit here. Most of what I say here is derived from the book 'Games People Play' by Erik Berne, which discusses the psychology of relationships and '...the patterns of behaviour that reveal our hidden feelings and emotions'.

There seem to be at least three types of 'hunger' that human beings experience:

• Stimulus-hunger: A yearning for social and sensory stimulation or a need for 'interaction' with the world. This seems to be necessary for survival (long-term) because emotional and sensory deprivation has been studied to lead to degenerative biological changes, mainly due to how the brain is affected.

• Recognition-hunger: A yearning to be identified as some individual, so we have an image of who we are in reference to others, where we belong in society, etc.

• Structure-hunger: A yearning to structure time. It expresses the need to avoid boredom, basically to answer the question of what to do in your waking hours. Apparently, boredom for extended periods of time becomes synonymous with emotional starvation.

There are several ways to structure our time: most forms of 'work', things you do in social settings such as etiquette, religious rituals, etc. that are handed down by culture, and things you do that exhibit your fundamental self such as how you laze around, your hobbies and pleasures, etc. The last one is termed as 'individual programming'.

"Intimacy begins when individual (usually instinctual) programming becomes more intense, and both social programming and ulterior restrictions and motives give way. It’s the only truly satisfying answer to stimulus-hunger, recognition-hunger and structure-hunger." - Erik Berne

In simpler words, intimate relationships are the ones where you most exist as yourself, (therefore) where you are spending time in the most comfortable, effortless way and where all your hungers are satiated to the right level: your 'needs' to be touched, stimulated, recognized (for truly who you are), etc. There really is a 'right level', and feeling under- or over-stimulated are both problematic.

Qualities and rewards of intimate relationships

When I think about the qualities that distinguish these relationships for me, two clearly stand out: security and veracity (truthfulness). And these form another virtuous cycle.

Intimacy opens up a safe space between people. It takes immense courage and strength to strip naked, be vulnerable and express yourself. The people who you are intimate with, invite you to be comfortable in your skin, by example. They don’t judge what you dare to show, and they show as much as they are comfortable showing, in the space that you provide for them. They reveal the harshest truths about yourself to you, and they offer you the refuge you need to process them. A sense of security is present in both the low and high levels -

Low level: what you dare to show will not be used to threaten or attack you.

High-level: who you are is accepted and there is no threat of losing the relationship.

And this beautiful, deep-seated security is the foundation for mutual awareness. One of the most rewarding things for me is the double gift of existing as myself in these relationships, and also understanding really how I exist.

It is my experience that intimate relationships are like mirrors. Like real mirrors, they show you the parts of you that interact with the outer world, your exposed surfaces. The more you dare to reveal, the more they reflect who you are. Strip naked, and they’ll show you your rough edges and smooth curves, and they don’t hide or discriminate.

The mirror shows you who you are in terms of what you do. What you’re scared to do, what you hate doing, what triggers you and what hurts you. What you need and what you don’t realize you need. What you're willing to sacrifice and what you cannot give up. How you indulge in pleasure and how you behave when you’re in pain. How you express and how you don’t. How you care and how you don’t. How you hurt and how you love. And how much. In its most rewarding form, intimacy with others can help you achieve an intimacy with your own self.

The veracity (truthfulness) of these aspects is, first of all, liberating. Its satisfying to speak or act your version of the truth, to get it off your chest, and have it be heard and received. Its comforting when your truth aligns with the other person's truth, but what clearly stands out here is that truths that differ, coexist. With time and continuous practice, your efforts to accommodate honesty meet the reward of an effortless state of truthful co-existence.

But as is always the case with truth, sometimes it can be shocking and destabilizing. Like what happens literally, you often look in the mirror but you don’t see clearly what it shows. Sometimes because you only take a quick glance. Sometimes because you peer into it with expectations. There is a slight tension to match what you see with what you want to see and the image is tinted with your emotions, be it a delight in seeing an acceptable version of yourself or a disappointment in seeing less than what you like. You shift around to change what you see, but sooner or later you realize that this is just you. You have your ugly and beautiful sides, and the only way to be at peace is by accepting reality. It is the security of the relationship that helps you accept this reality, because here again, the mirror does not discriminate. It constantly reminds you of your best parts so you can confront and accept the worst ones too.

Security and trust cannot exist without honesty and authenticity, and vice versa. It is the beautiful symbiosis of these qualities that produces beautiful relationships. And intimacy knows no limits nor preferences. All of these qualities are present in any form of intimacy with any kind of person: friends, family, lovers, sexual partners, intellectual companions, spiritual companions etc.

All these relationships are two-way streets. I try to provide a safe space for these people to be vulnerable with me too. I am careful to draw my boundaries, recognize theirs, and I try not to assume, judge or step over boundaries. But these things happen ALL the time. I am guilty of wrong assumptions, breaching trust, failing to be there, failing to listen, failing to be vulnerable when the other person is, etc. Always rememeber that human beings are cracked mirrors. Its impossible not to hurt or be hurt, but trying to avoid pain is futile. There is no smooth sailing in this sea, its all about riding every storm. I constantly fail at doing a good job but these relationships teach me the rewards of commitment and efforts.

Barriers to intimacy

If intimacy is so rewarding, why is it so scarce? Why is every relationship not intimate, even the ones that are 'supposed' to be, like family, marriage and old, long friendships?

There are other interesting questions too. Why is the absence of intimacy not plain suffering but 'bearable'? Why does it sometimes feel 'good' to not be intimate with somebody?

The answer lies in the fact that in so many of our relationships, even for the most part in our intimate relationships, we play psychological 'games' (its a serious term with no connotations of fun). The nature of games is not important now but in simple terms, its basically a conversation that has two levels of 'transactions' (units of social interaction) - the 'outspoken' surface level and an underlying "implied" level.

A good example of a game is "flirting", where two people speak with each other in terms that indirectly imply a hidden agenda to get emotionally or sexually closer. Flirting is fun for the most part and is sustained only when there is a mutually felt 'moving' towards a tacitly agreed destination, which both parties might agree is the true reward. So why does it feel good to continue flirting even if its not the optimum position? Why do people feel it a 'risk' to come clean about the interests in direct words?

There exists a local maximum of 'comfort' in playing games. People reach a local equilibrium, where they have become well-versed in the game that they do not want to break it and lose what they have. Intimacy is built on the security that there is only one level, and what you say is what you really mean. While this is far more satisfying, to break away from games and reach intimacy usually requires crossing frighteningly steep barriers of honesty, humility, self-awareness, compliance, empathy and compassion. Compatibility only gives an easy starting point, and constant efforts are required to build up trust and security with the ever-present threat that you could lose what you have. Because to go up requires going downhill first and the more invested you are, the higher the stakes. Its the reason why most relationships that are slightly dysfunctional, drag on with severe compromise and an accepted equilibrium. This includes even most "good" relationships where people have basic tolerance and alignment in values but struggle to sort differences.

Sometimes it is not even necessary to go uphill. Its impossible to be fully invested in every relationship you have and the equilibrium is a nice resting point. For example, good colleagues are people at work you have no interest in getting closer with, but you also have no friction with.

Learn where you stand, pick your battles and the rewards are there for your taking. In my case these processes have unlocked another virtuous cycle in my life. Feeling so 'complete' and secure in these relationships allows me to enjoy my time away from them to focus on productivity and my own things. And my time away from them improves the quality of time I spend with these people, when I can give them my undivided attention and love. For me, striking this balance is yet another aspect of the art of satisfactory living.

Striking intimacy

I understand that intimacy is evident in both what you say and what you do, and actions and body language do speak louder. But the instrument by which I establish intimacy is conversation, and I include shared silence in this. The most effective way to express empathy, support, disappointments and complexity in true feelings is just verbal language (of course, with a 'quality' of genuineness). Conversations are the cornerstone of my relationships, and learning to talk and listen, and to talk better only comes by... talking and listening.

"For the things we have to learn by doing them, we learn by doing them" - Socrates

To listen well is a direct way to provide a space for the other person to engage with their chosen form of expression. Good listening requires undivided attention and a lot of patience, but speaking is equally necessary. I'm more of a listener and this is actually a bit of a problem in my relationships because I don't speak or share things too easily. I don't have high walls at all, I constantly feel like I don't really have much to say. And one person feels far more vulnerable and exposed, which threatens the feeling of security that sustains the intimacy. I'm learning how to share more and I am miserable at it, but my loved ones offer me the space to make these mistakes and learn.

Some conversations even act as milestones and clear indications that I'm reaching new levels of closeness. Sometimes the best way to be on the same page is to script a new page together.

And out of all the talking, comes a profound, shared silence. A void that betrays the meaning of voids. Devoid of awkwardness, restlessness and any kind of expression. And yet full of oneness, tranquility and the supreme satisfaction of just... being. Nothing speaks louder than comfortable shared silences.

I cannot give any advice on how to achieve intimacy. I've described the qualities it demands, and its upto each person to reach for it themselves, but I will say just one thing. Although its a two-way street, if you really want to find intimacy with someone you love and you are in a position to do so, be the one to take the plunge. It always requires somebody to make the first move. It really is possible to be honest with a lot of love and kindness, where the intention to grow is clearly stated. If your truth hurts, be the one to nurse wounds. Be the one to go downhill. It is the only assured way to go up eventually.

Special mention

I share intimate relationships with a few people but I want to talk about one group in particular: women.

Allow me to make the sweeping statement that, in general, I find women more emotional, sensitive, and vulnerable. Now I am a man who is all of that, so I know that men with these qualities exist everywhere and its a spectrum. I’ve been blessed with men in my life – father and friends - who are sensitive, emotionally expressive and show love abundantly. But the people who have the biggest influence on me are all women. In my case, they are bold, strong and fiercely independent women who come from all walks of life, who are relatives and friends of all ages from 20 to mid 50s.

These women open up to me about how their bodies work, how societies and families treat them, what kind of problems they run into in their relationships and most of all, how I could express, feel and share my feelings better. Apart from showing me how to love, be vulnerable, to care for myself in new ways, and to be in touch with my emotions and deal with their complexity, all by example, they provide me an emotional support that is just utterly empowering.

I can do this with the men I love too, but somehow they are more "aloof" to begin with and it does not feel as natural to discuss emotions. And that is not even by intention. I've heard from these women that a lot of men struggle to confront and come clean with their emotions. It is my feeling that most men's desire for simplicity in how they feel and how others feel about them, is unfortunately picked up from other men in society. Its one of the ways societies actually fail them. The act of feeling emotional and vulnerable seems to go against the socially accepted 'wisdom' of masculinity to tolerate emotions and be gritty. My attraction towards women for emotional company has existed throughout my life and led to me being isolated by boys in my class during my childhood, from which I luckily escaped without trauma.

All of that for another day, in another post. I just want to say that the very act of showing your weakness is the one of the best displays of strength.

"We need to rebrand vulnerability and emotion. A vulnerable man is not some weird anomaly. He is open to being hurt, but also open to love." - Grayson Perry

I'll close my introspections here with this remark: given a choice between choosing a hundred people I feel good around in the most favourable of settings, and even one with who I can be intimate with in the worst situations, I always choose the latter. Life is, after all, a constant exercise in both understanding yourself and being yourself, at the same time. And in the process, leaving the world with a bit of love :)