Privilege as a Position of Strength

The story of my journey to identify and accept my privileges, and to start using them to do what really matters to me.

1. Thoughts on career, life in the West

2. Privilege of wealth and ability

3. Privilege of love

4. Lessons from this journey

5. My next steps and interests

6. Closing thoughts

There are several reasons why I am happy with how my Master's education in Physics has gone. I am satisfied that I have cultivated a few qualities in me that would let me have an enjoyable, successful career in research, and I've been able to set my credentials well both on and off paper. The most important reason though is that I've used this as a period of self-discovery, to transform my way of life completely. The result? I’m not sure I want a career in physics anymore. I’ve come around full circle to when I started my bachelor's seven years ago.

First of all, I have realized that I have a short attention span. I do not want to be in one field or career line throughout my life, even if it means giving up the possibility of being an 'expert' in it or climbing the corporate ladder. I would love a life where I make use of my age and energy to do different things in different decades. I can use my youth to do bolder things that pose larger physical and mental challenges. And I could use my old age, for example, to be an author, a patron of local arts or a teacher. I want to have a dynamic life and keep switching interests and trying various things.

Second, the field of research in physics limits my choice of lifestyle. Returning to India is a big question mark. I am not sure about doing research in India in the long term, because I am personally interested in experimental sciences which require loads of funding and a talented, passionate crop of student researchers. There are lots of them, except the economics of it weeds them out of our country. The scene ten years from now does look promising. But if my singular aim is to be an expert in my area of research, it forces me to chase the best opportunities in the world, and requires me to put these interests above everything else at least for the next 10-15 years. Academic positions are so hard to come by, that I would need to move where opportunities are and I do not like that restriction nor am I so deeply absorbed in research right now.

I am not sure of a permanent life in Western countries either. There's also the identity issue of being in two worlds at the same time. And I am personally torn by the lifestyle because the quality of life is very high but it is typically consumerist. It is happy and peaceful no doubt but I have a lot of love for India, the land and the cultures, and I want to live here in the long term.

So I am discontent with this, but for one more reason that trumps everything else. Throughout my life, I have been privileged and I have also been trying to run away from my privileges.

I've known it since I was 7 or 8 years old that I’ve always 'had more' than the people around me, especially the ones I loved. And it wasn't a nice feeling to know they had less than what I had. I was brought up in an upper middle-class family in a tier-2 Indian city (Trichy) and I had a combination of three big privileges that most of my friends throughout my life didn’t seem to have.

The privileges of wealth and ability

One is that my parents were highly educated and extremely liberal, and have always earned enough to provide me with good experiences. They worked hard to make sure I have a holistic development. This was a killer combination.

My mother came from a family that loved arts. Between the ages of 5-15, I've been sent to arts and sports classes for Carnatic music, painting, dancing, swimming, tennis and football. Every evening after school I would go to one class or the other and I hated it because I just wanted to relax at home like my friends from school. I was even sent to Summer camps for science, basic computer science, arts and personality development workshops. Every single one of them was planned and tailored for me by my mother, for which she made the sacrifice of being disliked by me in my early teens for never letting me be at peace. Today if I can appreciate, create and consume art, it has only been due to the incredible foresight and determination of my mother. On top of this, she micro-managed my education at school.

My father came from an intellectual powerhouse of a family. They were not great patrons of art, but they had an undying commitment to education and intellectual growth. My grandmother's wisdom from her own experience of coming up from an extremely modest background, rings through my family, "Money spent on education is an investment into the future." My father was brought up with uncompromising values and a steadfast sense of work and duty. He was my role model who embodied these principles and inspired me to keep sharpening my intellect. In all my years at school and university, I have not had a better teacher than my father. Beyond teaching me some concepts, he taught me by example how to communicate and teach. My favorite pastimes were not toys or games, they were books and jigsaw puzzles. I’ve never not been surrounded by books.

Every year, Scholastic India would come to my school and they’d distribute order pamphlets to all the kids. I would pick one or two books like very few others in my class, while most kids never bought any. I’d circle those books in the pamphlet, go home, and give it to my mother so she can give me the money to buy them. She’d stay up after I slept for another two hours and the next day I’d find easily 15 books carefully chosen for me, and an envelope with Rs. 3000 in cash. I’d complain that it was too much, but she’d dismiss it. I hated the day when the books finally arrived. Two or three kids would get a small package of 1 or 2 books while I received 15 in 3 big packages, to wide-eyed stares from everybody in the class. I actually really loved all the books though. Most of my time at home was spent sitting on the floor getting lost in books on the solar system, the earth, animals, states of India, wonders of the world, Indian mythology, scientists, poetry, drawing, sketching, etc. I’ve never been denied a book at the bookstore.

"It is what you read when you don't have to, that determines what you will be when you can't help it" - Oscar Wilde

This combination and exposure led to the blossom of whatever inherent ability, talent or potential I had. And throughout my early school years, I felt isolated because of it. I was in the music choir, science teams, and quiz teams and I was going to competitions everywhere representing my school. I was even on TV in a dance reality show. I was already the kid that stuck out most of the time in my class due to my economic status and abilities, and it got worse when I was ten. I struggled to be a typical boy in the class who loved and played cricket which was the popular game. I liked the girls in my class more. They always treated me like a really good friend and included me in most conversations. Among them was a pretty girl whom I even had a big crush on and she seemed to like me too. It didn’t take long for the boys to isolate me and make me the butt of venomous gossip.

They started 'surveilling' me in the class. Whenever I talked to a girl, I’d see heads turning, eyes meeting, and silent affirmations that Nitin is a 'JP', a term that meant I drool for girls. They kept nicknames, passed slurs, and constantly paired me up with whichever girl I talked to. They played double games by 'taking my side', just to mess with me sometimes. The gossip was incessant. They’d pair me up with some girls and say ugly things about me with the new terms they learned as puberty hit – sex, fuck, rape, boobs, and so on. And what shattered me was that the girls I talked to were also treated differently. I would get to know all of this from just one true friend I had in the class. He was my best friend then. I’d go to his house every day after school and cry to him when he told me all the things the boys said about me and the girls. He always said ("Vidra dei") none of that was my fault. Never made me feel like they were justified in saying these things even though I actually talked to the girls more. I am convinced that if it wasn’t for this one friend, who knew just the right thing to do to help me, I would be carrying the trauma of these incidents with me even today. I don't know if it was jealousy or hate, whatever prompted the boys to treat me like this, but the isolation at school became a nightmare and it began to affect me visibly at home. My mother pried these issues out of me and took matters to school, but it didn’t stop.

Three years went on like this and I switched to a much larger, richer school with more facilities and five times as many students. In this school I found myself in the middle of the spectrum in everything. Wealth, status, talents, grades, academic proficiency, athletic ability, etc. My classmates knew I was a studious talented nerd, but the boys and girls all totally embraced me. I finally realized that I was not 'strangely' drawn to girls like all the boys had made me feel all those years. In the right environment for me, I fit in and loved everybody like I always have. I switched one more school for JEE coaching and I realized that lots of kids from different backgrounds even invested money in education as much or more than I did. And so many of them were way smarter than me and talented in many ways. (I know now that we were all a very small minority in society as a whole, but I'm speaking about the influence of these local environments.)

Part of my problem was also that I identified more with poorer people than richer. My best friends were all from modest backgrounds. Every summer I’d go to Chennai and spend time with my cool cousins and Chennai kids. I didn’t relate with any of them, because they had a much higher level of exposure to the world. They were 'cooler' because they listened to more obscure artists and songs, played different PC games, and swore in English. Their schooling experiences were extremely different from my own. I loved my simple environment. Even in my city, I couldn’t vibe with richer kids from our social circles. I guess I've always loved the people who’ve had lesser by chance, and then I’ve struggled to relate with them.

These experiences of isolation forever changed the way I feel about myself among others. While most of my friends at IIT dealt with the Impostor syndrome, feeling like they didn’t belong around other highly talented, successful, ‘sorted’ people, I was extremely happy being average. It was my safe environment where I can no longer be the target of attention or exclusion because I didn’t stand out anymore. It was always my natural starting point for growth. But I still stuck out everywhere because of my economic background and the access to resources I’ve had.

When I ended up with some failures after my rudderless Bachelor's, my father motivated me to pursue whatever it is I wanted, even if it was dance. He said I had no pressure to work or earn for the family, that it was his job and he was taking care of it quite well. He said he would sponsor me again no matter how much I wanted to keep studying while being dependent on him. These were already privileges so many of my friends did not have, and I could never own them for fear of being isolated.

The privilege of love

But there is another privilege that goes far beyond wealth, which remains inconspicuous but easily the most influential. And that is the abundance of love in my family, particularly from my parents. The five love languages – words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service and quality time – were present in my family in one from or the other always. Words of affirmation were so constantly thrown around that I would get irritated when my mother talked about me to anyone including even myself. Hugs and kisses were the norm. They didn’t give me exorbitant gifts, but they offered me everything I wanted that they thought would be good for me. The best books, best education, best vacation experiences to balance it all out, and so much more. The support I’ve had from my family whenever I’ve taken on any challenge is incredible. There wasn't a single toxic push. They were ambitious parents who encouraged me to work hard but they always said my happiness is key and it was okay to fail. Every failure was met with a “You’re better than this Kanna, just keep going.” And my choices were always respected and allowed. In my most challenging times, whenever I've dealt with one source of intense pain, I've always had the strength of other things going on well in my life. It astounds me how, for the most part, they really nailed it at parenting, which is a dizzyingly hard and thankless job.

I've been receiving abundant love and kindness from everybody, everywhere. I cannot say whether it was because of some inherent characteristic qualities, or whether my character was actually shaped by such environments. There are privileges that are not even supposed to be privileges, that I was born with. As a man, I don't struggle against patriarchy. As a student belonging to a richer family, I've had access to resources, high-quality education, and opportunities. As an upper-caste Hindu by birth, I've had no obstacles or generational trauma in the social race of life. As the son of two extremely liberal and progressive parents, I have had the luxury of freedom of thought and action to an extent that shocks my friends. I have been insulated from the emotional baggage most people I know in life carry, from different traumatic experiences, because I have been showered with only love and affection throughout my childhood in a relatively very peaceful household. And I've been blessed with loving friends, inspiring teachers, doting relatives, and the list goes on. Society has never made me feel like I live an unfair life.

"People raised on love see things differently than those raised on survival." - Joy Marino

I’ve been trying to run away from so many of these privileges because I’ve never been able to relate to anyone around me. Some people had few of these, but none all. And among those I've not liked anybody enough to keep them close to me and get to know them.

And when I look back, I've also made the best use of these privileges as much as anybody could have. My parents supported me to study hard and I worked hard when it mattered. My parents groomed my talents and artistic abilities, and I used them for my growth and pleasure. I've tried to live by the lessons, values and ideals passed down to me. So I've been doing everything I can without accepting them because of isolation or fear of it everywhere.

This incessant struggle to run away from things I cannot run from, just to feel normal and relatable and part of everybody else, threatened my individuality and led to a strong identity crisis. In complex ways, it has been an obstacle to being my authentic self. I would rather not do many things I'm good at, than attract attention I felt insecure dealing with. It led to the paradox of questioning my self-worth in the absence of any strong destabilizing force.

Am I happy because I'm blessed abundantly or because I count my blessings?

Am I successful because I am fortunate or because I work hard?

Am I good at what I do because I am talented or because I never give up?

Am I kind to others because its my virtue or because I've always been shown kindness?

Am I doing what I want to do only because I’m privileged or because I would've had the courage to do it one way or the other?

I don't know about others, but I've tried to draw lines for myself to answer these questions, only to fail miserably, and realize that I really cannot say whether I'm a product of what I do or what I have. Society constantly tries to evaluate people and draw these lines for the individual. Depending on where the lines are drawn, on one side is poor self-esteem and on the other is arrogance and entitlement, and the struggle has always been to build a healthy ego and be authentic.

Until now.

Now, I have accepted my privileges. It is the security of my intimate friendships that have helped me do it. By constantly reminding me of my privileges but encouraging me to be nothing short of who I am, I've been taught to be humble but unapologetic about myself. I've been shown by extraordinary acts of harmony that it doesn't matter that I have more than others, it only matters how I treat them. And I should be happy that I've been kind and loving to my friends, and successful at what I do, no matter how easy it was for me to do so.

Now I consider these my blessings and my strength. The fact that I’ve been blessed in all these ways is the reason I’ve become the person I am today. I am content and incredibly grateful, and I no longer want to run away from my privileges. What you get in life and what you achieve with it, are two things that are both not in your hands completely. I think its impossible to separate fortune from virtues and say what is actually more significant, not even by yourself. You are more likely to estimate it wrong, but sometimes you are forced to do it in order to maintain good self-esteem. And its almost always wrong when the lines are drawn by others for you, because they only see what they want to see. I've realized that what's important is to recognize privilege and be grateful for it and do the best I can with what I’ve got. Anything else is bound to take away my peace of mind. It is in this way, that privilege becomes a position of strength.

So when I decided to leave my life in Europe and return, I asked myself if I’m running away from the comfortable life my parents wanted badly for me and helped me reach, just because I’m not able to accept the help I'd been given. And the answer is no. The true privilege I would be running away from is the financial and emotional support I have right now to do what my heart wants. I'd be running away from it if I succumb to the social pressure to settle there, work and start earning because that is what all my friends did and I had to be independent like them, so that I won't stick out once again.

And now the question in my life has become: what do I want to do from this position of strength?

What is it that I really want to do?

If I can see far ahead of me, its because I've stood on the shoulders of giants. To have received these things, even one of which is hard to come by in the average Indian’s life, and to choose to lead a happy and successful life in a corner of the world, putting my interests above everything else - to get all of this from society and give nothing back - feels selfish.

Throughout my life, something that has always been at the back of my mind is to be involved in social work. It has been a weird experience all along. Because I have been thinking that I would love to do it, but I never actually did anything. I was forever paralyzed in taking the first step, I simply stopped at worrying about things around me. But honestly, I also never knew what I really wanted to do. I seemed to be interested in everything from doing direct service of some form, to working to solve climate change, to thinking about animals and wildlife conservation, trying to solve plastic pollution, voluntarily helping in disaster relief, uprooting social taboos, fighting poverty... somehow, somewhere, doing something for the betterment of society. It felt like I could do anything and everything, and I’d be satisfied. And I remained only thinking about it all and did absolutely nothing.

I had a million dreams on the personal side as well. I wanted to be a dancer, footballer, top-class engineer, successful physicist, a CEO, leader of tech revolutions, etc. and I honestly at least tried something along these lines because these seemed like clear professions and I could imagine life in the long term in these fields. And they were definitely easier, once again due to my privileged position. I've not been satisfied because I couldn't find a way to satisfy both my creative and intellectual needs.

And now I am at a crossroads in life. I could continue my life in the West at the edge of scientific research, for love of the subject and lifestyle, accepting that what I do is not really useful to soceity now, nor the best use of my skills, but life is good.

The other side is what attracts me because it is an idea that ties everything about me together: photojournalism. I've been watching documentaries on science, cultures, animals, nature etc for a long time and I still remember the few national geographic magazines that lay around at home. I've dreamt of being that photographer a lot, who wanders and goes on assignments to capture beautiful things in the world. But I have never really tried photography seriously and I would have never pursued it alone. It is the journalism part that is the missing piece. I have an insatiable appetite now for understanding more about our country. History, geography, sociocultural aspects, the economics of the rich and the poor, society and social issues, wealth inequality, gender inequality, casteism, etc. I could go on and on. I am addicted to the incredible complexity of these issues and I feel capable of understanding nuances in these challenges and solving them. In fact, I am attracted to it, as much as I am attracted to simple, great ideas. I believe that my scientific training will benefit me in identifying and removing my biases during the observation and interpretation of social issues. And I want to pair this kind of probing intellectual work with photography in order to convey emotions and feelings that cannot be captured just in words. I believe in the power of artistic media and I value the political elements or provocative ideas that are injected into the mainstream by art that questions the status quo.

It is this single theme that gives me a space to do intellectual, artistic, and socio-political things that I value so deeply, and I am compelled to pursue this path because it lets me have a dynamic, crazy, uncertain life. Of course, destinations always change and I will embrace the changes in this path. Right now, Naval's advice has landed well:

"Figure out a way to make money out of the one thing you most naturally did as a child. Productize. Yourself." - Naval Ravikant

Closing remarks

This is where I am now. It is a paradox that by trying to define who I really am, I've realized I am beyond definitions, labels and tight identities. In trying to run away from my reality, I have now ceased my struggle with it. As my journey takes wild turns, a beautiful contrast has set in that I am now exactly where I am supposed to be, on this path where I have always been.

"Everybody acts out a myth, but very few people know what their myth is. And you should know what your myth is because it might be a tragedy and maybe you don't want it to be." - Carl Jung

My entire account of my life here is a story. Perhaps the greatest of all my stories because it is the most convincing one. It is the one I live, and it is what propels me from this moment to the next. If this happens to be a bubble that breaks soon, I guess I've learned the lesson now to let it happen and try to make sense of everything all over again.

So what is your story?